I thought i was over it

I thought I was over it and was actually working towards  moving on but I was Wrong. I am stuck in a low place where I see no end in sight. I can't see a happiness for me. I can see smiles but I know it will always linger in my head. I hate feeling like this. It's so easy to put on smiles  and nobody car or notice. I cry in private because no one listens anyways. They all see the tears in my eyes and just move on. It's easier to do it all privately so I cannot be mad for those that ignore and instead just blame myself for shutting myself off from the world.

My emotions have never gotten me to succeed so perhaps there is no need for them. Or at least a need to show them.

Sometimes I think it will never end

Sometimes I feel like there is so much horrible things happening to me that it will continue and my luck will never turn. I hate being a victim but yet I continue to feel that way. I feel like a victim because all the things that have happened to me have been out of my control, things I cannot change. things I have to just roll with. I will eventually get past this and I know that I can eventually heal, but it what condition do I want to heal? Do  want to heal and just go back to what I was before, do I want to emerge into a new person, stronger, kinder, more accepting, or do I just want to get past this a start a new path. I do not know.

things have always been like this and perhaps now I am just done with it. You have always been like this and I have been able to handle it but I am done. I am tired of being affected by your decisions.

Good and Bad

There are 2 types of people in the world, good and bad. Both are defined by their deeds and not by their religion

Alone

I hate being alone in the car because all I can do is think and I remember, and then cry when I remember that everything has not turned the way I wanted. How all my plans have been derailed and that you were the cause of it. I no longer want to cry because crying does nothing. It does not help the situation. It doesn't fix anything and the problems are still there when the tears are done.

You're an Idiot...

I hate when I have to walk you through my feeling so that you can understand me. It's very simple… I state that I do not like that ….. hey I found out that ….. has happened therefore I feel upset and angry.

I do not understand who or what Im mad at anymore. Just move through life slowly, I don't know why I still hurt or even I still hurt sometimes. I do not know how to act… like everything is ok or a reminder that it is not. Do not judge me cause I don't know how to act

I wish you would ask me what is wrong and try to understand and empathize instead of making assumptions and making feel like I am at fault with what is going wrong in my life. Until you walk a mile in my shoes you will never know who I am

Im not your mother but...

I know Im not your mother so you don't need to ask permission I just wish I was always put first and my feelings were always taken into consideration

Secret Meetings

Recently I found put that my kids have secret meetings. They discuss things at home and how they can improve the situation. They talk about how to work us over and such. I think this is cute. I have always wanted them to be united and best friends. I think this shows me that  i have succeeded. It doesn't bother me, I think it's cute and it reminds me of the meetings my sister and I use to have

"nothing is wrong"

Just because You ask whats wrong and I answer nothing Does not meant that nothing is wrong. If you care not to investigate what is truly wrong then you will lose in the end. My anger boils over and I am left with hate and frustration. "nothing is wrong" can be interpreted to mean I am so mad that you better figure it out.  Sometimes you know what is wrong but think that if I do not confirm it then you can stay quiet and it will go away. Ha ha, has that worked for you so far? I think not

15 states in 3 weeks

Arizona, Nevada, Utah, Wyoming, Colorado, Kansas, oklahoma, Tennessee, north Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama, Louisiana, Texas and then back home in CALIFORNIA!!!!

Finally I am home, my bed felt great last night. I pulled my clothes out of my creaser and not some bag, I finally have some choices in my wardrobe. I missed california, I missed the weather. I welcome the cool air today.

This is my house. That is another thing I am happy about. I can do, watch, cook whatever I want. this is Awesome.

On the road again

So I left Texas with 2 extra children and left one behind. I brought my 2 brothers because one was just itching to get out of the house and the other just needs breathing space, I hope that my mom is not offended because I brought the boys with me. I keep my mouth shut about so many things but this time it was impossible for me to ignore things that I would consider borderline abusive. They both want to stay with me permanently but one is under 18 so dad said he had to go back... I don't know if I will release him. I just didn't like the atmosphere in the home, but it was more than that. She tried to give me a guilt trip about putting ideas in the boys heads. I calmly explained that I felt what I was doing was a good thing and therefore she was not going to blame me for them wanting to leave. It was not an easy decision but one I felt I had to make.

Theres no place like home

Tomorrow I start my trek home. It's been a long 3 weeks. I have enjoyed every bit of it. Even the parts that made me cry and frustrated me. I will be coming home with 2 extra bodies. My brothers will be joining me for the summer. I will have to drive back in August to drop them off, so I get to see my family again. this has been an eye opening trip. Discovered new things and have learned to appreciate so much more. I am happy even through all the depressing posts. I truly am happy.

decision

As if my life could not get any harder I am faced with new decisions to make. Is it right to say my life is so hard  at this and therefore I'll just let everyone else's problems be their own. Or do I have responsibility when I see a wrong to do what I can to change it. Everyone might answer that it's my responsibility to right any wrongs I see but what if making something right might jeopardize my relationship with my mother, father, and sisters.
Can stand for what I know to be true, can I continue to allow bad things to happen. Is it easier to focus on others problems than my own. I need to pray about this

family

Some time ago my sister had a blog and she would at times comment about her inlaws. One day they asked for her blog address so they could follow the kids lives while they would be away for 2 years on their mission. My sister had to erase some posts that did not show them in a positive light. I wonder if my family found out about this blog, how many posts would I have to erase? Or should I be proud of the way I feel and continue to make comments regardless of how it makes them feel?

well perhaps this why I do not tell them about it. why I keep it under wraps so that I can have the freedom to express myself without having to censor myself.

TEXAS

Texas is a very laid back state in comparison to California and appreciate that. Here at my parents home I have decided that I don't want to have plans. I am catching up my rest from the lat 2 weeks of traveling. I enjoy being at my parents home because I feel at home. I lie around the house and I don't feel guilty with everything going on in my life its what I need. This afternoon we are taking a trip to the beach. It will be fun. I always enjoy watching the girls play at the beach.
I don't feel rested yet because so mush is still weighing on me but today I feel like I can handle it.

I am tired

With everything going on in my life at the moment, I am tired. Don't know if I'm looking forward to going back home. A little getting back into routine and sometimes thats good or bad. get my house in order is my motto I guess. It;s going to be hard to clean shelly's room. Yes my dog actually had a room. She had a couch she could sit on and toys and basically it was her space so people would not bother her. going home is going to be different. I feel like so much has changed.
I feel like i have changed and I don't want to. I want to be what I was about a year ago. Being truly happy has been so long ago that I've almost forgotten. I know I have been, and I know that its great but looking at where I am right now its so hard to see that happiness be a reality for me

Last night

So this is my last night In north carolina. It was fun. The kids spent time with their family and I got to spend time with a High School friend of mine. I will continue my journey to houston tomorrow. I feel like the trip will now be a down hill battle. I can now think about how it feels to sleep in a room without children. How my bed is so comfortable, how I like being able to go into my fridge and grab whatever. I want to be able to walk around my room in my underwear!!!! I miss this the most out of all the things I miss. I also miss getting rid of the kids. Tonight i got to experience a little of that. went to see my friend while the kids stayed with their grandma and grandpa, but I miss being able to say go outside and play and leave me alone. I like being able to close myself in my room every now and then.
I MISS HOME!!!!!

Finally made it!

So about 10 days ago I began my road trip and now I have reached my eastern most destination. Yeah! Anymore driving will actually be taking me closer to my final point which is home! I'm in a hotel with all my kids, I thought I was tired but I'm enjoying the silence. The kids are asleep and Im just messing on the computer. So what have I had to endure during this trip so far, Babies, babies, and babies! We have been surrounded by these little people that cry, need diaper changes, need to be fed, put to sleep, strapped into car seats. Ugh! I love kids but I have had my fill. I think this trip was designed as one big birth control trip. And when you ad my kids and the fights, I am reminded that in 10 years I will hopefully have my home to myself again. Ha ha ha, I know that I am kidding myself on this one but there is hope.
I am tired of driving. I personally am not one who likes driving anyway, but like I said in an earlier post I expected my husband to join but alas I have stuck with the driving portion of the trip. I am tempted to teach my 15 year old how to take the wheel but I doubt that I would get the rest that I need. I think it would probably bring about more stress.

Anyways should be home in another week and a half!

I feel like a country music song

My dog died today. I am very sad. I feel like this should be it. Bad news always comes in 3 so this is my 3rd bad news in as many months. I do feel like I am about to fall apart. I wonder about my strength. Why do I need to be strong. Why do I need to be stronger. What am I being prepared for? I can only hope for a silver lining, I just hope it comes before my death. I am preparing my whole life for what? I think about my trials and how regardless of my faithfulness and my dedication to my kids and God and my spouse, life is not without hardships or trials or sadness.
So I continue to pray and have hope. Giving up is not an option. Hope is the only thing that I can continue to have that cannot be taken away.

I was beautiful once

I was beautiful once. I was young, I was thin, my skin tone was even, I had a chest that was perky, I had legs that were toned. I wan't embarrassed to wear a bathing suit in public. I occasionally showed off my stomach. My hair was perfectly one color. My hands were soft. I always dressed nice, never in sweats and  t-shirts. My shoes matched perfectly with my outfits, I always wore makeup not to cover anything up but to embellish my positives.

Now i'm just me. Undesirable to anyone.

Good morning Birth control

In the past couple of years I have enjoyed the luxury of having children that can feed themselves. This is a luxury because that means I can sleep in. The kids are self functioning and can allow me that great comfort of staying in bed. they know how to QUIETLY watch television, read, or play on their various devices. I have even at some time though wow this is great and perhaps I should have another child to replicate this great system I have established.
Uh..... NO!!!!!
I am staying with some friends that have 2 babies in the home. One will be two and the other is 11 months. Oh goodness I get woken up somewhere between 5 and 6 in the morning and then again between 7 and 8. I then start to have flash backs almost like PTSD. I start to shake remember all those sleepless nights, days, weeks and years. I remember crying along with my daughter begging her to please take a nap, but it never failed, the minute she would fall asleep another child would wake up. These memories had been pushed to the back of my head and for some strange reason  had thought that perhaps it could be different this time. Who am I kidding. So I say thank you to Evie and Nathan for being my birth control.

dear god

Dear god,
I do not know what to ask for but I do know what I don't want, I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to be angry anymore, I don't want to be in pain, I don't want to cry anymore, I don't want to feel empty, I don't want to be cold inside, I don't want to be upset, I don't want to be sad, I don't want to believe that I will forever live with this hole in my heart, I don't want to feel like Im dying inside. I'm not suicidal but I just can't live like this anymore.
Sincerely,
Me

I love my sister but....

I love my sister but I am ready to leave her behind as we continue our journey. I've been having to follow her and she is a horrible driver I have noticed. Since I do not know my way around here in Utah I have been tailing her and in the process she has caused me to run 4 red lights, cut off numerous people, and she drives live she's making a basket (weaving in and out of traffic). She also is Ms Grumpy pants if she has not eaten. Ughh! I have had to play referee between her and my cousin. The girls and I got to ditch her for about a half hour and that was actually very fun. I love her but I am ready to leave.

Characters Welcome

So here I am on vacation, I feel that I sort of get to escape my problems. I know they are still there but I least I don't have to think of them often. I am more thinking about the ax murderer we are going to encounter on our trip. The girls and I enjoy these characters we meet in different states. we find that sometimes its just another world out there. We once stopped for a potty break at this convenient store that we just knew had been in some horror film. I remember my daughter looking at me and saying, "I can hold it". Other times my girls have enjoyed some rest stops so much they would like to include it on our destination map again. Either way we enjoy ourselves as we reminiscent on the stories.

Park City Utah

The girls went on this go cart roller coaster

they first went across the bridge and up the hill 

and then twists and turns 

that has them returning across the bridge again

Passive Aggressive

I am being passive aggressive today and I am enjoying it! :0)

Getting ready to leave

Today I leave on my Cross country tour. Due to unforeseen circumstances I do not know if my husband will be accompanying me which kinda sucks because then we did not have to rent a car and I don't think I would have planned this trip. Anyways the car is mostly packed but we are keeping one whole bag for electronics, IPODS, MP3's, laptops, DS's, car chargers, power cords. There are a lot of things in there. How connected we are in life but it keeps us entertained. I remember trying to do road trips without those luxuries, it sucked. I personally don't want to hear fighting (ha who am I kidding), moooooooommmmmm (yeah sometimes I get tired of them talking to me), and I'm bored. It will be a fun trip, it will be a fun trip, it will be a fun trip (I wonder if I click my heals 3 times if it will happen).

2 things

2 things have basically turned my world upside down. 2 things have caused me so much emotional pain that I don't know how to continue to live. I feel like I am frozen in time. I feel as if the pain just gets deeper and deeper and I slowly try to put a wall around it so that its contained. What sucks about these 2 things is that I am embarrassed and ashamed of both of them, though I did not cause either one. I have never been one to air my dirty laundry in public, so instead I suffer and grieve silently and alone.

I'll put on a happy face in public and I'll continue but life sucks right now! I just want to lie in bed all day and hide. I don't want to face the world. I wish I could open up and tell someone but I just can't expose myself or my family like that.

I'm starting a trip on Wednesday

I'm starting a country tour on Wednesday. I will post pictures of the beautiful scenery that I encounter through out the country. For the 1st part I will be traveling alone with my 4 daughters (wish me luck that I don't drop them off in the middle of nowhere) and then my husband will join us for the 2nd leg of our trip.

EXCITED!!!!

Today is my husbands going away party. I have been planning this for about 2 months. I'm really excited about it, I originally was planning about 100 people max. I ordered enough food for 75 people because like I said I was expecting 100 max. Well this morning I have 125 people confirmed and I know there are those people that don't think I really want them to RSVP. I keep threatening people that if they don't RSVP then they will only get food if there is any left over.
I use to crash parties back in my younger days. It was one of those friend of a friend of a friend who coincidentally did not go to the party. One time we went to this wedding, we didn't have an invitation and said we were there with some random person (being in a heavily hispanic populated area we said Juan) and then we just happened to know the bride, she had been my cousins best friend in High School, but now being afraid that I will get those random people coming to the party, I feel horrible for ever having gone as an uninvited guest. (no not really but I feel I had to say that)
The ladies at my church being the great women that they are have offered to bring food and make it into a potluck and I'm going to try to fill the guests with chips and Salsa. ha ha ha

Fighting for my attention

When my children were younger they would follow me around like little ducklings. As a matter of fact that was my nickname for them. I couldn't got to the bathroom without some child crying by the door, knocking asking what I was doing, or opening the door so they could be close to me. I thought that those days of fighting for my attention was gone but I was mistaken
My kids now have the issue of when I am spending time with one child be it doing their hair, having a conversation with them, or even scolding, I seem to have another child trying to vie for my attention. This morning as I was using the blow dryer on one childs hair  have 2 other children trying to show me awards from the previous day and have discussions with me which at this point just adds to noise as I can't hear a thing, all while father is quietly in the room just watching this happen. "tell your father, he would like to hear about your award" child looks at me confused and then continues talking. UGH!

I'm I gonna miss him? No idiot, I relish the fact he is gone.

My husband is in the military and will be leaving soon. As we get prepared to have him exit our lives for some time I get asked some of the stupidest questions. I know some of them are well meaning but I just get asked them so often I get tired of putting on a smile. Here is a link to a great list of  what not to ask a military wife. I have a couple of things I want to add to the list, 1. Can't you go with him- I wish we could but we can't and I don't feel like explaining to all the reasons why we can't. 2. Aren't you gonna miss him? - I usually ignore this question cause I find it the most ridiculous of all, and I'm afraid I will come up with a very sarcastic response. and my last one 3. How are you gonna survive? - huh? I don't even understand that question. My response should be ... well everyday I contemplate suicide and then I decide against it.

It would be better if you just said thank you for your service and then be on your way.

SOFTBALL IS OVER!!!!

Last night i had my awards banquet and was able to have it go off without a hitch and now I am done with it. I enjoyed coaching for the last 3 years but am relieved it is over. The coaching part was actually easy to handle, it was the parents that were such a hardship. Of course everyone always felt they could do the job better, and all I wanted to know is if they were willing to put in all the time that I did to make it a success. I say success because we actually won a game this year. The program has been in such disarray for the past 10 years that this is a major accomplishment.
I guess I could deal with the coaching if there was no admin part to it. or maybe if there were no parents involved. I understand the whole quiet soccer games where no one is allowed to cheer either way. I also have been threatened by the parents of a girl who refused to show up to practice but still expected to play, I've been harassed at my home by parents calling to yell at me because of their perception of what a  horrible job I was doing, I have had girls complain to the administration at the school accusing me of biased behavior.
But alas it is all over

If..... then.... statements

If you teach a child the principles of the gospel then they will walk in the way of the Lord, If you teach a child respect then they will be obedient, If .... then.... so what happens when they don't? You can only punish kids so much that you start to wonder if they have brain damage because they obviously don't get it. The brain damage would explain so much and not have me feeling guilty, (well maybe I would still feel guilty but not about this). When will she get it? Does she know how much I suffer when I see her fail? Does she feel the love in between the arguments and punishments. 

I've been down this road before child and I know where it ends, don't make the same mistakes I did... is that a distant memory of what was said to me at one time, or is that my voice?

Mom Dad, I understand now. It's painful.

Dreams

I had a horrible dream last night. I dreamt that my oldest daughter took the car without asking and killed a person. I was crying in my dream and instead of being mad at my daughter in my dream I felt guilty for all the things I missed at preventing the situation. I felt that I had somehow missed on relaying the importance of responsibility and the need to admit to wrong doings. I felt as if I were to have caused the accident. In the dream she had first hit a person and injured them. We then spoke to her about how dangerous a car can be. we grounded her and that is when she snuck out with the car and the horrific thing happened.

When I woke up I immediately wanted to have a talk with her about how it's easier to recognize mistakes when we've gone to far. It's better that we recognize before we get there. She said "yeah, yeah, yeah, I know" I don't think it penetrated. Oh well. I'll try again this afternoon

Bras are evil when you have a sunburn

On Friday my family enjoyed a day at the beach. We wanted to have a bonfire so went early to secure our pit. We arrived at noon, and applied the appropriate amount of sunblock to the areas I could reach. Well I missed my entire back and the girls mentioned that to me when I already had tinged. So now I am having a fight with my bras. Instead of stinging though my back and become itchy. Anything on my back irritates it to the point that I am looking for anything to scratch my back with. Brushes seam to be my favorite at the moment.
 In the end I have decided that the culprits are the bras and I am fighting a war against them. I think I will just tell people that's its homage to the feminist movement in the 60's.

Keeping them entertained

Today I got asked how I keep the girls entertained. I laughed at the idea of keeping them entertained. They entertain themselves I answered. The lady looked confused. I said "they have their own lives, some read, some write, some love playing video games others like being on the computer, but as far as their entertainment, I am not in charge."

My kids have different personalities and so that gives them different likes and dislikes. I use to plan every minute of their lives, I would run myself ragged with play dates and after school activities. Then one summer I just stopped. I said I love you kids but for my own sanity I have to stop this, and I did. I remember the first season of no sports. I finally had my weekends back! The kids learned how to discover each other as playmates, they had time to enjoy books from the our home library.

 Yes I still plan outings and activities for my kids, some of them are organized sports and others are just me saying hey, lets go to the beach. But all in all whether they are entertained or not, that is up to them.

Vow of Silence

From when my kids go to school, 8am, to when they come home, after 3pm, I do not talk to anyone. The phone does not ring, no one comes by, I have no other children in the home. I feel as if I take a vow of silence for the morning and part of the afternoon. I hear myself say words but there is no proof that I am saying them aloud (almost like when the kids are home). I think I just speak in my head. I watch TV but am weary of yelling at the characters for fear of making them my friends.

Power Washing

The college I go to power washes the sidewalk every night. I use to criticize this as a waste of water and time for the crew who does this. The flowers are also get changed on a weekly basis so that they always look fresh. I would criticize it and how the school only cared about appearances.

Today I got food at a fast food restaurant. I decided to walk across the street to get a drink from another restaurant. As I was crossing the street I noticed all the black marks on the ground that obviously came from gum or other food. I looked around and noticed the smell. It wasn't nice. I started to get down on where I live. I feel like no one cares about how it looks. There was water in edge of the street and it was gross. It smelled and looked like it picked up every type of sludge.

I appreciate the beauty of the campus I attend. There is a sense of pride as I step foot on campus. I understand now why they keep it clean I wish my city would take the same pride.

How do you Parent

My daughter right now is going through a time in her life where I think that she has allowed bad influences to enter her life. I do not like her friends or the people she calls friends, I do not like her actions. She describes all these things as who she is. (I remember this argument with my parents). So I thought that cutting her off from her friends from school would bring her back. I pushed church friends and particularly the only girl she is friends with. Now I find out that this friend is actually accepting of her behavior. And I also found out that this girl is mean and rude to another one of my kids. Now I have discontent for this girl.

I"ve realized that I cannot control the situation and ultimately my daughter will have to make the choices but I need to know how to make it the ideal situation for her to choose the right. I blame myself for not putting her in the ultimate environment. I blame myself for teaching her how open we are with people. How we don't condemn the person just the act. Had I perhaps been more strict of my condemnation of certain behaviors then she would not be in the situation she is now.

what to do, what to do

First full day of not having an obligation. No grocery shopping no school, no meeting. Just a day to lay around and contemplate life... HA ha ha, as if. Well today I will get to all those things I've ben putting off. I want to Finish the final touches of cleaning my room, I want to mop the floor, I want to clean the back yard. Too much to just lay back and do nothing.

I feel obligated to do these things. If I don't I feel like I have wasted my day and time. I have this over whelming guilt about being the perfect homemaker. I know that I am far from it. But I feel guilty when i don't cook or when the house is a mess. At the same time i feel very accomplished when I have dinner ready and the house smells of cleaning product. And I expect everyone else to notice and say "Ahh mom the house looks beautiful. I know how you slave over it and I want to say thank you"

And now the child says to me "I feel sick" I say go to school, she says "but I don't feel well. "
NO! I am not going to ruin my first day of nothing by having to play maid to a kid! She starts to cry not because she is ill but because I did not give her the response she wanted. UGH!

There wil be a point when all the guilt will go away. When I am no longer responsible for their choices. But for now I will continue the madness.

Giving up

Sometimes I get tired of living. Sometimes the act of waking up every morning puts so much strain on me I would rather not exist. The process of getting by and just surviving overwhelms me. I wish that I somehow was in charge of some of the problems in my life, if that were the case then I could easily fix them, but it's those problems that have come along with life that are too much sometimes. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling this overwhelming feeling of guilt. It's easy to just say that today I decide to be happy, but actually doing it is a little bit harder, that's a lie It's MUCH HARDER.

So what do I do, I get up and just keep going through life. I fix breakfast for the kids, I clean the house, I smile I laugh but inside I'm screaming.

My own private Idaho

So I started this blog as my own private idaho. My own little world where I feel I can write and I'm just wondering if anyone cares, reads, or even enjoys my words. I have not told anyone I know about it because I don't want to ask people to read my private thoughts.I know I have it out for anyone to read but it's anonymous. No one knows who I am so the situations described can be just anyones.

Well last week I actually 5 people who stopped by this blog. Now whether they read it or not I do not know, but they did stop by. EXCITING! But they haven't returned :( So it was exciting for a bit. well I will continue to basically use this Idaho for my ranting and thoughts. If anyone cares or reads, give a shout out!

Finals

As I'm getting ready to complete my first final in school I think about my finals is life. I wish there was a defining test that would tell me how I did in the subject. I wish there was a study period where you can say, by 10 am tomorrow it will all be over.
What would my subjects be? I think my first one and hardest one would be child rearing. I wonder if it would be cumulative for all kids or individual. would it only encompass a particular time in their lives? I would totally ace the infant stage. I think I did have a final for that stage, it was called they advanced to toddler age. I don't know how I did in this section. Maybe a B+? the toddler age was hard as I at one point had one at infant, 2 at toddler and one school age. They were major headaches, I remember crying all the time. I wonder if I got taken any points off for feeding them cereal for dinner? Or what if I let them sit in front of the TV for hours on end? Is there a curve?
Will my negligence for housework come into this final or is that another separate subject all together. Is taking the kids to my moms so I can watch TV that isn't cartoons count as cheating? I at times watched my friends kids, does that count as extra credit? Who is grading this test anyways? When I finish the test can I sell back the materials and get some money back? Do I need a #2 pencil?
I sometimes try to grade my projects by how they are developing. They keep reminding me that they are not an extension of me and therefore are responsible for their own successes. But their failures apparently I had a hand in, ha.

So in the end I realize, no there is no final, there is no test, and when I am been graded it is usually by me and I am very harsh. Sometimes I feel like I'm just getting by and other times I am the best mom in the world. I think in the end I come back with "I am doing the best I can with the resources I have"

Stupid friends

When I see that a lot of my friends have posted the same spam that basically says one of many, See who checked out your profile, or look at this video, Facebook has a dislike button press here to enable it, all I think is I have stupid friends.

Dead Animal Game

While on our trip across the nation this past summer we reached many desolate places. After the children got tired of playing video games or watching movies they decided to stare out onto the road. Since there weren't many cars on the road we couldn't play any of those "fun" car trip games like spot the different states or color cars. I started to notice that there were quite a number of road kill that we did spot so I decided to make it into a game, The Dead Animal Game. Now the basic rules are whoever calls the dead animal first wins. It has to bigger than a bug and my car cannot be the one to have killed it. I know some of you are just thinking how cruel can this mommy be but it is the only game that my kids still are interested in playing. 
I have all girls so I really don't understand how these girls actually tolerate this game, but they like it so I'm not complaining. I kept winning cause while they would look for rodents and birds I was seeing the huge deer I kept having to swerve around.

Best with what we've got

I know in the past 15 years as a mother I have criticized other parents. Maybe perhaps not to their face or out-loud, but I know I have looked at their children and wondered where did the parent go wrong. I have criticized everything from the children's clothes,baby food they have chosen to feed them all the way to the attitude they display as young adults. My thoughts have always been, the parents have not taught the child responsibility, they have ignored manners, if the parents would.... then the kid would not... I have looked at other parenting and said, I will never do that or what a bad mother.

I have heard things on the news about children abducted and even if I on't think it there is always some commentary about well the parents were not keeping a close eye on them. Somehow our society including me has learned to blame the parents for anything bad that ever happens, first we blame the offenders parents and then the victims. That father never taught that boy to respect women, that mother never taught that girl how to dress appropriately. If the parents wouldn't feed him like that he/she wouldn't look like that.

In all this we forget one aspect, We are not perfect. Have I screwed up as a parent at times, yeah I know I have. Does this dismiss all the good I have done? Of course not!. So why do these standards not apply to other parents. I have come to the realization that we as parents do the best we can with the resources that are available to us at the time. I was listening to a story about a child that was abducted while the mother was at work. She had left 3 young children home alone. Do I blame the mother? No. She did what she felt she had to do. She couldn't afford to not work, they needed the money, she couldn't afford a babysitter. Maybe she had done this many times before. Was it right that she did this? I don't know I want to say no, but again she did the best she cold with the resources available.

If I were to be blamed for all the things my children fail at then it's my fault they don't do their homework, it's my fault my daughter steals clothes and sometimes money form her sister, it's my fault that one daughter broke another one fingers. Do I feel guilty for all these things, yes I do. But I understand that they have choices to make. I have done what I felt necessary. I have tried to teach them to respect each other, how homework helps affirm concepts and that violence is not the answer. Parents are not the cause of EVERYTHING!

All in all we must remember of our perfect Father in heaven who had two children that disobeyed in the Garden of Eden.

Making a shirt as a victim

I once was a victim to sexual harassment at work. I complained about it and there was an "investigation" but i never felt like I truly got anything out of it. The people that harassed me were my coworkers and I was just short of told that I brought it upon myself. I brought it upon myself by deciding to work in male dominated environment. I was told I should be home taking care of my kids, I shouldn't take another mans job and I was made to feel that I didn't belong. At my yearly review I was told that I was not trying hard enough to fit in. That the reason the men felt any ill will towards me was because I had not done anything to change their impression. Simply doing my work and keeping to myself I was not going to win anyone over and I would continue to get bad reviews from my supervisors. 

In all honesty all I was doing was getting my work done and not getting in anyone else’s way. I had enrolled in school and was taking a course at the local community college while going to work. On my off time at work you would find me doing my homework or studying while the other people would be working out or making idle chit chat with coworkers. I was not hurting anyone and I was doing my job. Why was that not enough? 

So I started to go in and start having conversations with people. I started being friendly. I was accused of being overly flirtatious. Now my coworkers were keeping count on how much time I spent in the common area and not in my workspace, they would report it back to my supervisor. I could not win. 

I use to have anxiety attacks on my way to work. Even after I quit, anytime I drove near the area my heart would start racing and I would nearly be crying. I stopped being friendly and I became a standoffish bitch. I was accused of threatening a coworker, and had many "eyewitnesses" in parenthesis because no one was actually there when it was suppose to have happened. If I would befriend a coworker I talked to them about my problems I would be told that I was being overly sensitive.

I had a man who "fell" in love with me at work. He was much older. He shared my love for musicals and therefore was friendly with me. When I pushed his advances away, he became a little upset. One day I arrived at work and there was a basket full of gifts for me on my desk. He had also included gifts for my children. It made me feel uncomfortable. I worked the night shift and sometime during the night I took the basket and put it on his car. I left that day home relieved that perhaps he had gotten the hint. The next day he walked into my workspace and yelled at me. He told me I was ungrateful.

Nobody had seen what had happened. I worked in a secluded area. Word got out what had happened and I was told that I had led him on and that I should not have rejected him as such. I was told that he deserved more respect from me!!!! Nobody cared that I was scared. I was scared to go to work. I told my supervisors and they basically just told me they would investigate but there was nothing they could do to change my environment. 

I tried once to call a counselor that was paid for by my work and they never called me back. I felt that my feelings were not important enough to take  up the time of a psychologist. I left that job and decided to try my luck in the same industry but a different job. I had one guy who at this new job that began saying I was harassing him, even though I never spoke to him. Apparently he found that intimidating and harassing. I was counseled. Why is it that when I stated something with more evidence at my other job was I not taken seriously. I quit that job. 

At my school last year they had a display of shirts made to recognize sometime of sexual abuse. As I read the shirts that had been made, I cried. That night I had a breakdown. All those feelings from the harassment came back to me. I naively posted something on Facebook about the hatred I still had for that job and what to had done to me. The responses I received hurt. I was told to get over it, let it go, and it was a long time ago and therefore was not relevant anymore. Even though it was a long time ago, I still feel like I’m in the thick of it at times. And during those times I cry, I feel inadequate, I feel that I can never succeed, I feel like it will never leave me. I want to let it go, I want it to become irrelevant in my life, but I can't. 

This year as I saw the announcement at school that the shirts would be on display again with the opportunity to make a shirt, I decided I would make a shirt. As I went to the table and picked out my shirt, I felt ashamed. As I wrote the words on my shirt, I cried. All these feelings of hate and inadequacies filled me. I finished and walked away with my head held high. I am determined to not care, its a hard process but this is the first time I have been so honest with the harassment and how it made and makes me feel.