Finally made it!

So about 10 days ago I began my road trip and now I have reached my eastern most destination. Yeah! Anymore driving will actually be taking me closer to my final point which is home! I'm in a hotel with all my kids, I thought I was tired but I'm enjoying the silence. The kids are asleep and Im just messing on the computer. So what have I had to endure during this trip so far, Babies, babies, and babies! We have been surrounded by these little people that cry, need diaper changes, need to be fed, put to sleep, strapped into car seats. Ugh! I love kids but I have had my fill. I think this trip was designed as one big birth control trip. And when you ad my kids and the fights, I am reminded that in 10 years I will hopefully have my home to myself again. Ha ha ha, I know that I am kidding myself on this one but there is hope.
I am tired of driving. I personally am not one who likes driving anyway, but like I said in an earlier post I expected my husband to join but alas I have stuck with the driving portion of the trip. I am tempted to teach my 15 year old how to take the wheel but I doubt that I would get the rest that I need. I think it would probably bring about more stress.

Anyways should be home in another week and a half!

I feel like a country music song

My dog died today. I am very sad. I feel like this should be it. Bad news always comes in 3 so this is my 3rd bad news in as many months. I do feel like I am about to fall apart. I wonder about my strength. Why do I need to be strong. Why do I need to be stronger. What am I being prepared for? I can only hope for a silver lining, I just hope it comes before my death. I am preparing my whole life for what? I think about my trials and how regardless of my faithfulness and my dedication to my kids and God and my spouse, life is not without hardships or trials or sadness.
So I continue to pray and have hope. Giving up is not an option. Hope is the only thing that I can continue to have that cannot be taken away.

I was beautiful once

I was beautiful once. I was young, I was thin, my skin tone was even, I had a chest that was perky, I had legs that were toned. I wan't embarrassed to wear a bathing suit in public. I occasionally showed off my stomach. My hair was perfectly one color. My hands were soft. I always dressed nice, never in sweats and  t-shirts. My shoes matched perfectly with my outfits, I always wore makeup not to cover anything up but to embellish my positives.

Now i'm just me. Undesirable to anyone.

Good morning Birth control

In the past couple of years I have enjoyed the luxury of having children that can feed themselves. This is a luxury because that means I can sleep in. The kids are self functioning and can allow me that great comfort of staying in bed. they know how to QUIETLY watch television, read, or play on their various devices. I have even at some time though wow this is great and perhaps I should have another child to replicate this great system I have established.
Uh..... NO!!!!!
I am staying with some friends that have 2 babies in the home. One will be two and the other is 11 months. Oh goodness I get woken up somewhere between 5 and 6 in the morning and then again between 7 and 8. I then start to have flash backs almost like PTSD. I start to shake remember all those sleepless nights, days, weeks and years. I remember crying along with my daughter begging her to please take a nap, but it never failed, the minute she would fall asleep another child would wake up. These memories had been pushed to the back of my head and for some strange reason  had thought that perhaps it could be different this time. Who am I kidding. So I say thank you to Evie and Nathan for being my birth control.

dear god

Dear god,
I do not know what to ask for but I do know what I don't want, I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to be angry anymore, I don't want to be in pain, I don't want to cry anymore, I don't want to feel empty, I don't want to be cold inside, I don't want to be upset, I don't want to be sad, I don't want to believe that I will forever live with this hole in my heart, I don't want to feel like Im dying inside. I'm not suicidal but I just can't live like this anymore.
Sincerely,
Me