I once was a victim to sexual harassment at work. I complained about it and there was an "investigation" but i never felt like I truly got anything out of it. The people that harassed me were my coworkers and I was just short of told that I brought it upon myself. I brought it upon myself by deciding to work in male dominated environment. I was told I should be home taking care of my kids, I shouldn't take another mans job and I was made to feel that I didn't belong. At my yearly review I was told that I was not trying hard enough to fit in. That the reason the men felt any ill will towards me was because I had not done anything to change their impression. Simply doing my work and keeping to myself I was not going to win anyone over and I would continue to get bad reviews from my supervisors.
In all honesty all I was doing was getting my work done and not getting in anyone else’s way. I had enrolled in school and was taking a course at the local community college while going to work. On my off time at work you would find me doing my homework or studying while the other people would be working out or making idle chit chat with coworkers. I was not hurting anyone and I was doing my job. Why was that not enough?
So I started to go in and start having conversations with people. I started being friendly. I was accused of being overly flirtatious. Now my coworkers were keeping count on how much time I spent in the common area and not in my workspace, they would report it back to my supervisor. I could not win.
I use to have anxiety attacks on my way to work. Even after I quit, anytime I drove near the area my heart would start racing and I would nearly be crying. I stopped being friendly and I became a standoffish bitch. I was accused of threatening a coworker, and had many "eyewitnesses" in parenthesis because no one was actually there when it was suppose to have happened. If I would befriend a coworker I talked to them about my problems I would be told that I was being overly sensitive.
I had a man who "fell" in love with me at work. He was much older. He shared my love for musicals and therefore was friendly with me. When I pushed his advances away, he became a little upset. One day I arrived at work and there was a basket full of gifts for me on my desk. He had also included gifts for my children. It made me feel uncomfortable. I worked the night shift and sometime during the night I took the basket and put it on his car. I left that day home relieved that perhaps he had gotten the hint. The next day he walked into my workspace and yelled at me. He told me I was ungrateful.
Nobody had seen what had happened. I worked in a secluded area. Word got out what had happened and I was told that I had led him on and that I should not have rejected him as such. I was told that he deserved more respect from me!!!! Nobody cared that I was scared. I was scared to go to work. I told my supervisors and they basically just told me they would investigate but there was nothing they could do to change my environment.
I tried once to call a counselor that was paid for by my work and they never called me back. I felt that my feelings were not important enough to take up the time of a psychologist. I left that job and decided to try my luck in the same industry but a different job. I had one guy who at this new job that began saying I was harassing him, even though I never spoke to him. Apparently he found that intimidating and harassing. I was counseled. Why is it that when I stated something with more evidence at my other job was I not taken seriously. I quit that job.
At my school last year they had a display of shirts made to recognize sometime of sexual abuse. As I read the shirts that had been made, I cried. That night I had a breakdown. All those feelings from the harassment came back to me. I naively posted something on Facebook about the hatred I still had for that job and what to had done to me. The responses I received hurt. I was told to get over it, let it go, and it was a long time ago and therefore was not relevant anymore. Even though it was a long time ago, I still feel like I’m in the thick of it at times. And during those times I cry, I feel inadequate, I feel that I can never succeed, I feel like it will never leave me. I want to let it go, I want it to become irrelevant in my life, but I can't.
This year as I saw the announcement at school that the shirts would be on display again with the opportunity to make a shirt, I decided I would make a shirt. As I went to the table and picked out my shirt, I felt ashamed. As I wrote the words on my shirt, I cried. All these feelings of hate and inadequacies filled me. I finished and walked away with my head held high. I am determined to not care, its a hard process but this is the first time I have been so honest with the harassment and how it made and makes me feel.
